Yeah, I’m a fossil. I’ll be 70 years old this week. Everything to this point was “the good old days”.
I know that I’m an old fuddy-duddy when I haven’t been to the movies in God knows how long because… everything that Hollywood has been putting out for the past several years has been shit. At least, that’s how I feel.
Our Wood Mountain crew is in-between shipments right now, so we went to the local cinema today to see a movie called “Thor: Ragnarok”. No one really wanted to see it; we’re all old farts. But, our option was enduring a cartoon movie called “Coco”.
Of course, we had to sit through about a half-dozen movie previews…which all sucked. Five of them were sci-fi action flicks, and the other one was about some SEAL team riding horses against the Taliban in Afghanistan to avenge 9/11. (Supposedly a true story. No wonder we can’t defeat those pesky towelheads.)
Probably a half-million human beings died during those six movie previess; I haven’t seen such gore since young Arnold Schwartzeneggar used to kick ass.
Anyway, “Thor: Ragnarok” was another of the Marvel Comics super-hero movies that have flooded the marketplace in recent years. “Seen one, seen them all” is my opinion. It seems like there has not been an original thought in Hollywood for thirty years. They’re still making Star Wars flicks (it was one of the previews); can you believe that?! With Carrie Fisher! What…have they run out of young actresses?
To be honest, I have a beef with any sci-fi movie, particularly in the superhero genre, where the antagonists are using swords. C’mon, Mr. Director, you mean to tell me that in the year 2080 bad guys and good guys will still be duking it out with medieval swords? Really? Why? Have they forgotten how to use guns, laser beams, tasers or fucking hand grenades? Jeezus…use some friggin’ imagination, you lazy script writers!
The state of the movie business is really getting bad when Cate Blanchett has to do a crappy sci-fi/comic book farce like “Thor:Ragnorok”. Yep, she was the villainess, a super-hero herself, with all sorts of exotic fighting skills and a skintight costume supplemented by a push-up bra stuffed with lots of tissue. She actually looked quite fetching, for Cate Blanchett, who last gave a man a boner about…well, probably never. But, I digress.
Speaking of out-of-character acting… yesterday, when we were bored stiff, a couple of us guys watched a Netflix movie called “Bad Ass”. In this movie, character actor Danny Trejo, the scarfaced Mexican gang banger/ex-felon, greasy long-haired fellow with tattoos all over him (i.e. the typecast maniacal, bloodthirsty killer in “Dawn of the Dead”, “Con Air”, “The Replacement Killers”, and fifty other B-movies) was…Mr. Nice Guy! He helped old ladies, treated children with tenderness, helped the police in the barrio, and, when he wasn’t spreading love around the community…kicked the ass of all the criminal element in the city. And, then, Bad Ass turned Nice Guy, who is one ugly old man, hooks up with a 20-something, knockout babe. I was getting nauseous just thinking about the two of them in the sack, but, thankfully, the director didn’t insult the viewer with such a farce. It was really a bad movie, but, to its credit…not one medieval sword! Honest. So, I give that director/screenwriter (note: it was probably Danny Trejo, who had to have funded the shitty, straight to video movie with his own money…how else could someone that hideous end up with the sexy babe?) some credit for originality. Although, to be honest, it was stretching credulity when Mr. Nice Guy was bitch-slapping and man-handling gangbangers armed with knives and guns. C’mon…Danny Trejo is about 60 years old and isn’t exactly cat-like. Oh, well, it was a fictional story; we’re supposed to suspend disbelief.
Which, of course, brings up the subject of Messrs. Schwartzeneggar, Stallone, and Seagal…how can those old relics still be making action movies? Who is believing that stuff? They were barely believable when they were young, manly studs. Now? Those flabby, creaky-jointed MOFO-wannabes couldn’t clear a room of paraplegics, let alone a murderous biker gang or enemy special forces squad. Danny Trejo would kick their asses. Yet, this trio of has-beens is still making movies. No wonder no one goes to the theater anymore.
It’s no surprise that there’s nothing left to see at the movies; everything there is either sci-fi nonsense, recycled action flicks, or animated movies made for children. The good stuff, nowadays, seems to be on cable TV: the quality dramas; the funniest comedies; the best-produced documentaries; etc. The movie theaters, which used to lord it over the “small screen” industry, now gets hind tit.
Luckily, I didn’t have to pay $12 today to see “Thor: Ragnarok”; Wood Mountain took care of that, and it got screwed. (The company also paid about $50 for $5 worth of goodies at the snack stand. What a ripoff!)
We would have been better off to sit in our living room and watch just about any Netflix offering, old or new, for…free…while enjoying munchies from our own refrigerator.
And, if the cable movie turned out to be a shitburger like “Bad Ass”, well, it was free!