As I have reported previously, our pack of Boston Terriers was expanded to three with the addition of rescue “Vinnie”.
Mr. Vinnie is a wonderful guy and is a very different character than our female Bostons, “Baby” and “BonBon”. Of course, he’s a male, and so he takes great pains to make himself seem bigger and more important than he really is.
Full-grown at only 17 pounds, Vinnie is dwarfed by Baby (23 pounds of muscle). The other main difference from the girl dogs is that it’s apparent that he’s got more Bulldog (than Terrier) in his DNA: in fact, he looks to me like he could be a Frenchton (a mix of Boston Terrier and French Bulldog). He’s stocky and bounces, rather than runs, similar to our beloved male JayJay who died a few years ago (and ran like a steer!) Vinnie bunny-hops, for some reason. It’s not very manly, and I’m sure Baby and BonBon giggle behind his back.
Anyway, it appears to me that Vinnie has been attempting to establish “street cred” with Baby and BonBon, aspiring for some dominance around the ‘hood, so to speak. He continues to attempt (in vain) to humble the pack leader, Baby, in wrestling. That’s not going to happen, but Vinnie gives it a shot every 15 minutes or so. He’s not real good at ball retrieval: he tries, but Baby and BonBon are quicker and know the game. He took to begging for food rather quickly, but BonBon has him beat by a mile. Bonnie is also the pack leader in “Keep Away” and whining by the front door when I’m gone. She’s also All World when it comes to hiding toys around the property so she can play with them when we declare a “time out”.
If he were among the kids on the playground, Vinnie would be picked last to be on the team.
To his credit, Mr. Vinnie is a major league snorer, but he’s asleep when he practices his craft, and the others don’t tell him, so that skill set is moot in this discussion. And, he’s pretty accomplished at hogging my attention when I’m on the sofa, although Baby could bulldoze him out of the way if she cared to do so. Baby is also the Champ when it comes to face-licking… hands down. In that area, Vinnie has a lot to learn: he needs to chill out. And, the lad runs a very distant second to Baby in smelly fartage: she can clear a room, curl hair, etc., on a bad day. Poor Vinnie: he can’t catch a break.
As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was gone hiking rather early yesterday and forgot to pick up the previous day’s poopsicles out in the yard. Unbeknownst to me, apparently the pack had thrown down a competition on Sunday to see who could emit the largest volume of turds, winner take all.
(I blame Vinnie for dreaming up this Defecation Olympic Games. He had to be behind it, so to speak, because we never experienced anything like it when Booger, JayJay, or Baby were running things: it would have been beneath their dignity. But, apparently, challenged issued, challenge accepted.)
This morning I must have picked up at least five full-to-the-brim bags of butt biscuits, much more than normal. at least 5 pounds of dog dirt. No shit, I thought, these hounds are serious about this: bragging rights are definitely on the line.
It so happens that I’m sort of an expert on my dogs’ poop habits and forms: Baby craps PayDay bars like a horse on the move; BonBon’s are dainty little things, lots of ’em: and, Vinnie puts out the genuine article/Bulldog-type Lincoln Logs. He’s gifted in that area, I suppose. Anyway, trust me when I tell you that I can easily detect who did what and where: I am a sommelier of dog doo (I have a nose for the job, so to speak).
The dogs watched me this morning as I collected their messy offerings: the suspense was palpable. Which competitor had really excelled at bearing down?
It’s a shitty task to have to pick a winner between superb competitors that you love. They’d all done a superior job cleaning out their pipes: it’s a shame that anyone had to lose.
However, in my professional judgment, Vinnie took the Gold medal at the 2022 Crapapalooza. He came, he saw, and he desecrated the playing field with the most and largest turds. It was a spectacular performance.
This evening Vinnie was interviewed on ESPN by Chris Berman. “How does it feel to be at the top of the heap, Vinnie?” The Champ was euphoric, and still doing a lot of shit-talking. He declared of his competitors: “Those losers don’t know squat about… squatting!”
Well, I guess he’d know.
