It was a typical Sunday at St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Washington D.C. Father Seamus O’Flanagan was hearing confession that morning and had just about finished that chore when a large man in a blue suit with a red tie climbed into the confessional booth opposite the priest.
After being greeted by O’Flanagan, the man spoke:
“Good morning, Father.
As a new member of the faith, this will be my first confession. I hope you have some time available because I have many sins to confess.
Basically, I’m a liar. I’ve been that way as far back as I can remember. I can’t seem to help myself in this regard and I will even lie when telling the truth would serve me better. God forgive me.
First of all, I have claimed to be a Christian for many years. That’s a lie. I also vowed (in holy ceremonies) to be hold sacred the bond of matrimony, but failed to uphold those promises because I cheated on my wives. In fact, I slept with a porn star as my wife Melania was delivering our newborn son Barron. I can’t seem to keep my hands off of good-looking women. God forgive me.
I’ve publicly announced that my father Fred gave me a million dollars to start my business career in real estate. That was untrue, as he actually gave me upwards of $100 million. I lied about this to make me look more successful on my own. God forgive me.
On many occasions in business I’ve cheated and defrauded vendors and investors, have unfairly treated tenants of my properties, and have illegally evaded my fair share of State and Federal taxes. I seem to have a fixation on money and can’t seem to control my impulses to obtain it regardless of the methods employed. God forgive me.
Probably because I am untrustworthy, I have a problem trusting others. And, because I am unwilling to take advice from others, I make my own decisions and, if they’re bad ones, I blame others. I can’t remember the last time I acknowledged a failure of my own making, and there have been many. God forgive me.
I decided to run for President not because I wanted to serve the public and protect democracy but, rather, because it would boost my ego. For some reason, that is the driving force in my life; I just can’t help myself. Everything thing I do is predicated on the idea that it will garner me personal praise. God forgive me.
In order to become President, I concocted a bunch of tall tales about my opponents and slurred previous occupants of the White House as incompetents, fools, and anti-Americans. I also partnered up with racist and religious extremists to demean and vilify minorities, poor people, immigrants, and non-Christians. I continue to do it to this day. God forgive me.
As President, I have continued to lie to the American public about virtually everything that I’ve done while in office. I have fired many good people in my Administration who dared to disagree with me. I have schemed to achieve my political goals by ignoring or manipulating the “separation of powers” intent of the U.S. Constitution. Although I am the President of all Americans, I feel it necessary to use my office to reward those who helped elect me and those who praise me and punish those who object to the way I conduct myself in office. God forgive me.
I have recently used my authority to squelch protestors who have dared to demonstrate against my Administration, using heavy-handed force and pepper spray to disperse Americans who were legally and peaceably exercising their right to free speech. I have Tweeted that the protestors are “rioters”, “left-wing Antifas”, and thugs not because this is so but, rather, because I’m embarrassed about the commotion on the streets in Washington D.C. and all over the country and how that might hurt my re-election chances. God forgive me.
And, as far as the issue of systemic racism in the law enforcement and criminal justice systems in our country, I know that to be the case but don’t really care about it because those people don’t vote for me anyway. I know that this is wrong and unfair, but racists, the Second Amendment crowd, and the “law and order” community helped get me elected and I am beholden to them. Again, I have put my interests before those of my God and my country because I am a narcissist who thinks only of his own glory. God forgive me.”
The priest had listened carefully to the man. He recognized him and, like all Americans, he knew what he was dealing with…a man without a soul or conscience, who probably just needed some cheering up after another bad week. Or it could be another scam by the Master, the priest thought. I hate this part of my job, he mused, shaking his head.
Father O’Flanagan looked at the congregant through the confessional screen, and was about announce forgiveness and the requisite acts of contrition, when a bright light overwhelmed the interior of the church and a high-decibel voice boomed down upon the two men in the confessional booth:
“Get the Hell out of here, you piece of shit, and don’t come back!”
Donald Trump wet his pants as frantically scrambled to exit the confessional, and he and his campaign photographer practically fell over each other as they unceremoniously fled down the aisle, out of the church, past the Secret Service agents, and into the waiting limo.
“Step on it!” the President shouted.