Leave it to my sister Claudia to come up with the most unusual housewarming gift: a bidet!
And…I’m not shittin’ you…it has changed our lives forever.
Charlie and I are literally fighting each other for bidet time at all hours of the day. It’s warm, does an immaculate job, and is easy to use: you just sit down.
I think Charlie uses it even when she doesn’t need to…you know, just to pleasure herself.
Who knew?!
This new experience has me second-guessing myself about many other things that I haven’t tried in my 71 years on earth. Surely, I’ve been missing out on some life-changing experiences…
For example, I’ve never made love to a guy or killed anyone. I have yet to play ice hockey or sky dive. No jail time for me, nor have I availed myself of a hooker or shot up
And I thought that I was quite worldly!
Maybe I’ve got everything wrong: maybe water isn’t wet, bears don’t crap in the woods, and those Nigerian guys ACTUALLY have a steamer chest down at the airport with a million dollars in it that belongs to me. (Maybe I should send them that $1,000 in earnest money?)
Thank you, Claudia, for opening my eyes to the many possibilities out there that I’ve been missing.
Don’t be surprised if you hear that ol’ Craig has tried out smokeless tobacco, got himself some butt cheek implants, hooked up with a Russian mail order bride, or robbed a liquor store.
Life is short, and there’s not much time left to complete that Bucket List.
At least, the bidet is bi-done.